I still don't know what I'm doing

I have actually done a lot lately. "The Rope of Death" (the title for the Novel I'm working on) is coming along nicely, I have 6,525 words of the first draft written. I'm still a little iffy on it, but it is coming along. I hear tell it will be fine, but my internal editor (whom I'll affectionately call fucknut) is constantly sitting on my shoulder, screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST GET A DAMN JOB! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT AS A WRITER! IT'S TOO HARD! YOU'RE NOT ANY GOOD AT IT! JUST GIVE IT UP". To be honest, it's really hard not to listen to that guy sometimes.
Part of the problem is that I'm not really that good yet. I think I have the ability to be good, and some of the stuff I've written really is good. What I read and hear is that you can catch all that stuff and handle it when you do the 2nd draft, and I'm banking on that. I just need to get the damn story written. I feel now like I've wanted to do this my whole life. I do wish I had started earlier, but fuck it! As Cheech Marin said in "Rude Awakening", "Be Here Now!!" So that's what I'm doing.
One thing I am gonna do. I may take my daily word count down (though I've been doing well over a thousand the last few days. I did over 2000 on Sunday and I did about 1600 today), it struck me that it's been a long time since I've read a lot of horror, and I need to do that. I'm currently reading the new Dan Brown novel The Lost Symbol, and I was trying to read through the Wheel of Time before the 12th book comes out next month (that's a whole different blog post, more on that another time). I just bought this neat little story by Stephen King called UR, and I bought a copy of The Stand (both for my Kindle), and I figured I would read those to do some research into Horror. I don't expect it to slow down my writing much. I'm spending around an hour to two hours per day writing now, and I want to increase that a bit. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I'm doing it!!!

Stuck!!!!

I’m stuck.

Perhaps it’s because there are so many things floating around in my head right now, perhaps once again I’m doubting my abilities as a writer (I know I am), perhaps everything I’ve written up to this point sucks the big one. I don’t know. I’m both inspired and uninspired at the same time. I have to write. I have to. That’s part of the deal. When I have nothing to write, I journal. Have to write. In a nutshell, here’s what’s going on with my story.

I’ve plotted, outlined, and written several drafts of a prologue (which I’m mostly happy with in a general way) and part of a first chapter. I know what I want to happen, and maybe that’s the problem. I’m reading On Writing by Stephen King, and he’s definitely not a “plotter”. This is directly in contrast with Write Great Fiction, Plot and Structure by James Scott Bell. Which one of them is right? Both, I think. King said something in his book that’s making me think, and an email correspondence I had with Mr. Bell is giving me the idea that what I need to do is both. Bell gave me the ability to start going, but it’s stalled. I know I’m creative. I know I can do this. I like the story I’ve come up with. The problem is that I’m writing the story and it’s starting to feel forced. The idea behind the story is kick ass, but the writing feels (and probably reads) like it’s forced. That’s no good. I think that’s probably why some of it’s kinda lame so far. What to do about it is the big question right now.

Do I scrap everything I’ve got and start over? Do I continue from where I am without plotting? Do I just scrap the first chapter? Do I work on something else? I don’t really want to stop working on The Rope of Death (the tentative title I’ve come up with for this project) because I feel like I’ll never pick it back up if I do. I’ve felt the whole 2 months I’ve been writing so far that all I need to do is to get this first novel written and then it will come easier to me. Not easily done, let me tell you! The idea of scrapping what I’ve got (including the prologue) and starting over is beginning to look more attractive by the second. I think I can start with the opening scene (may or may not call it a prologue: my sister feels like it’s part of the story rather than a prologue) and see where it goes. I think that’s what I’m gonna do. I don’t really think that’s so much editing as it is trying to make this go in a new direction. It’s an attempt to make it not feel so goddamn forced. I really want this to be good, to work. I’ve always been the kind of dude who can come up with some crazy shit in the moment, which is probably why this structure things feels so forced.

Maybe the real problem is that I’m trying to much to use someone else’s method to do this stuff. I’m not James Scott Bell or Stephen King. I’m Bill, and I need to be Bill to do this. I don’t’ know why I’m feeling so blocked about it right now. I think that’s partially me being completely off meds for the first time in years and my internal saboteur trying to fuck me up. I will try this the next few days. 1000 words a day is going to be difficult, but I’ve got to be willing to do shit like that if I actually want to become a writer, especially because I’m not one yet. I mean, I am, but I’m not.