excerpt from Chapter 1

Okay, this goes without saying, but all material here is mine. If you use or reproduce it without my permission, I will seek you out and force you to watch videos of George W. Bush giving his father a filthy sanchez.

Now that we've covered that, the below is an excerpt from chapter 1. My protagonist, Marcus Bent is sending an email to his friend. This is partial text from his email.

God, maybe I really am going crazy. I was fascinated, but I was also confused as hell and worried. I liked going to this other place, even though it was probably just a hallucination brought on by lack of sleep, but I could really see myself getting lost in there. Would that be so bad, to stay there, leaving this world behind?
I know, I know. I can’t let myself get lost in…well in whatever that was because I know it’s not real. There was a corner of mine screaming at me, reminding me that if I let myself go, I would lose all chance I ever had at regaining my tenuous grip on reality. Pretty screwy, I know. What do you want, I hadn’t slept in forever.
When nothing happened for a few minutes, I decided to try for the house again. I got up cautiously and walked quickly toward the door. When I reached it, I looked around momentarily. Don’t know what I was looking for, maybe I was just scared I wouldn’t make it. I wanted to be prepared, which was stupid. It’s not like I knew what the hell I was doing. My body tensed. I took a deep breath and opened the door.
I made it! Like lightning, I about jumped in the door and closed it, locking and latching it. I waited for a moment to make sure I was still there. Goddamn, but I needed some sleep. I grabbed a beer from the fridge and crept lightly but quickly toward the bathroom.
Couldn’t find the percocet, but she did have a few ambient left. I quickly took two and washed them down. Relieved, I walked into my bedroom. I didn’t even bother to pull my clothes off before I plopped down. Alyssa would make fun of me for that, but I did need to get some sleep.

MY ANGRY LESBIAN BREASTS!! AUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!!!

What?

Blink.

Stuck and unstuck!!!

This week has been tough for me. A relationship that I’d been in for over 3 years ended Monday; a relationship I’d really hoped would turn into marriage. This came in the middle of a big ol’ hunk of bad writer’s block. Actually, the end of the relationship spurred some pretty good writing, the only problem being that I don’t feel like writing. That’s partially the reason I’m writing this journal entry right now. I really don’t feel like writing. But I know I need to, and I need to write at least 500 words a day, even when I don’t feel like it. Is it cheating to use this journal as my 500 words for the day? Maybe. Ask me if I give a shit (I don’t). I figure as long as I’m writing, it’s a good thing. Actually today it just didn’t pan out for me to have the time to write. I know that’s no excuse: I need to write anyway, but that’s just how it worked out.

The story is going well. Besides taking too long of a break, my writer’s block was about a lot of self-loathing and self-sabotage. My thought process went like this: much of my first draft feels like my autistic son Blade wrote it. It’s a great story, but the execution sucks. The conclusion I came to is this: I look at this first draft (mostly) as an “extended outline”. I just want to get the story down and I’ll worry about all that other shit later. That’s easier said than done. Some of it’s pretty bad. But some of it is fucking great, and I think the story is awesome. I would want to read this story. There have been some unexpected turns in the story already. My first rewrite is going to be an extensive one. I refuse to edit the first draft AT ALL until it’s finished. Then, I’m gonna leave it alone for a few weeks, then pick it back up and edit the first draft.

My two biggest challenges (story-wise) are coming up soon. How do I introduce the Aiden character in my novel, and how do I fill around 50 to 70k words in the middle. I know what I want to have happen (sort of) and I know how I want the book to end, I just don’t know how to get there yet. I’ve got some ideas I should jot down, and then maybe plot things out roughly. I don’t want to get too terribly stringent with that, but it might help to get it down on paper.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m going to do at least 1000 words tomorrow. I’d do it tonight, but I’m wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too tired to do that shit tonight. I’ll do it tomorrow right when I get up (if I get up early enough, before I get the boys up). That’s when I seem to do my best writing, anyway. I may split it up, but I’m going to do 1000 words at least. Exit, stage left!!!

Peace,
Bill

I still don't know what I'm doing

I have actually done a lot lately. "The Rope of Death" (the title for the Novel I'm working on) is coming along nicely, I have 6,525 words of the first draft written. I'm still a little iffy on it, but it is coming along. I hear tell it will be fine, but my internal editor (whom I'll affectionately call fucknut) is constantly sitting on my shoulder, screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? JUST GET A DAMN JOB! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT AS A WRITER! IT'S TOO HARD! YOU'RE NOT ANY GOOD AT IT! JUST GIVE IT UP". To be honest, it's really hard not to listen to that guy sometimes.
Part of the problem is that I'm not really that good yet. I think I have the ability to be good, and some of the stuff I've written really is good. What I read and hear is that you can catch all that stuff and handle it when you do the 2nd draft, and I'm banking on that. I just need to get the damn story written. I feel now like I've wanted to do this my whole life. I do wish I had started earlier, but fuck it! As Cheech Marin said in "Rude Awakening", "Be Here Now!!" So that's what I'm doing.
One thing I am gonna do. I may take my daily word count down (though I've been doing well over a thousand the last few days. I did over 2000 on Sunday and I did about 1600 today), it struck me that it's been a long time since I've read a lot of horror, and I need to do that. I'm currently reading the new Dan Brown novel The Lost Symbol, and I was trying to read through the Wheel of Time before the 12th book comes out next month (that's a whole different blog post, more on that another time). I just bought this neat little story by Stephen King called UR, and I bought a copy of The Stand (both for my Kindle), and I figured I would read those to do some research into Horror. I don't expect it to slow down my writing much. I'm spending around an hour to two hours per day writing now, and I want to increase that a bit. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I'm doing it!!!

Stuck!!!!

I’m stuck.

Perhaps it’s because there are so many things floating around in my head right now, perhaps once again I’m doubting my abilities as a writer (I know I am), perhaps everything I’ve written up to this point sucks the big one. I don’t know. I’m both inspired and uninspired at the same time. I have to write. I have to. That’s part of the deal. When I have nothing to write, I journal. Have to write. In a nutshell, here’s what’s going on with my story.

I’ve plotted, outlined, and written several drafts of a prologue (which I’m mostly happy with in a general way) and part of a first chapter. I know what I want to happen, and maybe that’s the problem. I’m reading On Writing by Stephen King, and he’s definitely not a “plotter”. This is directly in contrast with Write Great Fiction, Plot and Structure by James Scott Bell. Which one of them is right? Both, I think. King said something in his book that’s making me think, and an email correspondence I had with Mr. Bell is giving me the idea that what I need to do is both. Bell gave me the ability to start going, but it’s stalled. I know I’m creative. I know I can do this. I like the story I’ve come up with. The problem is that I’m writing the story and it’s starting to feel forced. The idea behind the story is kick ass, but the writing feels (and probably reads) like it’s forced. That’s no good. I think that’s probably why some of it’s kinda lame so far. What to do about it is the big question right now.

Do I scrap everything I’ve got and start over? Do I continue from where I am without plotting? Do I just scrap the first chapter? Do I work on something else? I don’t really want to stop working on The Rope of Death (the tentative title I’ve come up with for this project) because I feel like I’ll never pick it back up if I do. I’ve felt the whole 2 months I’ve been writing so far that all I need to do is to get this first novel written and then it will come easier to me. Not easily done, let me tell you! The idea of scrapping what I’ve got (including the prologue) and starting over is beginning to look more attractive by the second. I think I can start with the opening scene (may or may not call it a prologue: my sister feels like it’s part of the story rather than a prologue) and see where it goes. I think that’s what I’m gonna do. I don’t really think that’s so much editing as it is trying to make this go in a new direction. It’s an attempt to make it not feel so goddamn forced. I really want this to be good, to work. I’ve always been the kind of dude who can come up with some crazy shit in the moment, which is probably why this structure things feels so forced.

Maybe the real problem is that I’m trying to much to use someone else’s method to do this stuff. I’m not James Scott Bell or Stephen King. I’m Bill, and I need to be Bill to do this. I don’t’ know why I’m feeling so blocked about it right now. I think that’s partially me being completely off meds for the first time in years and my internal saboteur trying to fuck me up. I will try this the next few days. 1000 words a day is going to be difficult, but I’ve got to be willing to do shit like that if I actually want to become a writer, especially because I’m not one yet. I mean, I am, but I’m not.

Bursting through a different kind of block

I don't have writer's block, exactly, but I'm finding myself doing much more planning that actually writing lately. I know I have this 500 word a day quota, but maybe I should have minimum 1000 words, minimum 500 of it is actually writing story. I suppose it wouldn't be bad if I wrote part of another story if nothing comes to the front with this one. It would be better than nothing, and it would force me to start actually writing more, not just writing, but writing writing if that makes any sense. I've felt for awhile that there's a really great story here, waiting underneath. The problem is that I don't even always know that it's there. Perhaps I've become too bogged down with planning and procedure to know that it's there.

For some unknown reason, I have a very strong urge to go watch "Good Will Hunting" right fucking now. I think I will.

Ciao!!!

A good writing day

Wrote a little over 1100 words this evening. Unlike sometimes that I have written, it actually seemed somewhat productive today. I redid the very basic, simple plot outline that encompasses what I'm currently writing and did a bunch of freewriting, attempting to come up with what author James Scott Bell calls a "back cover copy". Maybe those of you who are more experiened or savvy in the field of writing are more familiar with that term, but I have never really heard it before tonight.

Let's be honest. I really have no fucking idea what I'm doing. But I'm doing it. I'm going to take another suggestion and up my minimum word count per day to 1000. I'm also going to take another suggestion and try to write first thing in the morning. We'll see what comes out of it. ta ta!!!

Low down clown

I haven’t really written that much today. I think I came up with some good ideas today, but I really just wanna do other shit. Is that so bad? Am I being lazy? Part of me says no and part of me says yes. I think it’s a good thing that I’m working on this story specifically every day, but I need to do more if I ever want to get this done. Let’s be honest: part of why I really want/need to write this first book is because I’m hoping this writing thing will be easier once I get the first one out of the way. I dunno: it’s coming awful slow. I think my ideas are better now, but I’m still hitting that wall where I think I suck most of the time. That’s a metaphor for my life lately. I just have no fucking energy for anything. Fuck those antibiotics my doc gave me. I can use those in the future.

I really should get to bed soon, but I don’t wanna. I’m tired enough to go to sleep, I just would rather read and/or play video games right now. To tell you the truth, I’m awful “ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” at this point. Fuck it, I’m gonna go read. Egwene just got to Tear.

Idea Draught!!!

I'm currently hit with an idea draught. Perhaps I just haven't been paying attention enough lately to what I'm doing. That's possible. I have the "my writing is lame" feeling creeping up on me again. Went to the hospital yesterday, so I didn't feel like writing a whole lot last night. My idea was to get up today and write a bunch. Now, I just don't feel like it. I guess that you need to be intentional and purposeful about it. I just wish I knew how to summon forth the goddess of ideas. I don't even feel like writing in this blog any more right now, so I won't.

Feeling Better about this day to day

I am feeling better about this whole writing thing day to day. Is persistence and a sick mind all it really takes? That's kinda what it seems like. I know this will sound cheesy to say, but I almost feel like this writing thing is what I was supposed to do all along. Not that I wasn't supposed to do all that other shit, but this is what I'm really supposed to do.

I would be amiss if I didn't give a little shout out and R.I.P. to John Hughes. At the time they were coming out, noone else really captured what it felt like to be a teenager in the '80s. I can't speak for anyone else, but it kinda sucked. Most of the music coming out was fucking atrocious, the world around us seemed like it was going downhill and we had nothing to look forward to. But John Hughes movies had a way of making us forget how much everything sucked for awhile. When watching them, we were able to just have a good time.

Don't feel like it tonight. Not at all

I don't feel like writing tonight. I have to, of course, but I DON'T WANNA!!!! Actually, I guess I am risking not writing tonight. I'm going to spend an evening w/the g-friend, and don't know when/if I'm coming back. As I suffer from massive fucking insomnia and she doesn't, I imagine I'll be back around 3am or so. If I am, I'll write then. If not, I figure since I wrote almost 3000 words yesterday, it won't hurt me to take a day to chill. Most likely though, I'll be chompin' at the bit to write when I get back (if I do). I dunno.

Peace.

Holy Wordsmith, Batman!!!

Yes, my second post today. No sooner had I finished posting this blog address on twitter and facebook than an idea came to be of a different way to write my prologue. It's actually not painful to read. The 1,777 words took me 2 hours to write. I have not edited it yet except to spellcheck. I like it. It's not perfect, of course, but much closer to what I'm looking for. Thank God for Insomnia! In any case, just thought I'd post that before I get the probably 2 hours of sleep I'm going to get tonight (if I'm lucky). Sweet dreams, everyone!!!

Welcome to my lame-ass blog

So I've been trying to write a novel.

I've had these ideas in my head for a long-ass time. Only recently have I really put forth any kind of concerted, persistent effort to actually do this.

A bit of background. I'm 38 years old. I'm a single Dad of 2 small boys, 8 and 5 (the 8 year old is slightly autistic we think). I'm a recovered alcoholic (yes, I said recovered. If you have a problem with that, go talk to your sponsor). I'm about 85 pounds overweight. I always have money problems. To make that even worse, I lost my job about a month and a half ago. While I was sitting around thinking about what the fuck to do about this, I thought about beginning to write. I mean, I have some really sick ideas (and I do mean sick in the most positive sense of the word), and I figured "Hey, if it worked for J.K. Rowling, why wouldn't it work for me.

Then I began to write.

I wrote a lot about plot, characters, beginnings, endings, I did a lot of brainstorming and journaling. I even got a book or two on how to write a novel. I thought, "I can do this". Then I started to actually write the book.

It makes me fucking sick to read it.

Maybe I'm being too self-deprecating here. I still believe my ideas kick ass. They really do.

I know I’m looking at it as a rough sort of outline, but it’s fucking painful to read. I’m…fucking flabbergasted. I know that I can do this, that I can learn to do this well and that I’ll get better, but goddamn. I’m panicking is what I’m doing. I’ve got to stop that. I’ve already ordered all the books on reading I need to get right now. I need to relax and work with what I’ve got. I think one thing I’m doing is self-editing too much. I know that’s bad, but I’m doing the best I can, or am I? Well, yes and no. I know that I can do better, but I think it’s taking me fucking up the way I am to be able to get better. At least I’m not some fucking moron who thinks that he’s already the shit and has no idea that he sucks. I figured I would start a blog to keep track of my rambling journaling. Right now, it's in several different files in different folders on my laptop hard drive. I figured this woudl be a good way to keep track of it in one place.


Who knows, maybe someone might find this interesting. I know that I'd be interested in hearing from people that do, or people that have had similar experiences. Maybe it will also help me not give up, 'cause that ain't always easy!!!

'Till next time!!!